Transformation: Again??

Searching. Struggling. Frustrated. Overwhelmed. Anyone else feel like they must be getting their masters in chaos and confusion? I couldn’t feel more off track or out of touch with what I am truly meant to be doing. Well, I could. If I were homeless and alone. But still! And I know most people understand why my house looks this way.  I could pull the I-have-5-kids card and most think I’m doing pretty well “under-the-circumstances.”  But I’m not under my circumstances.  This is my life!  I was called to it.  And consistently feeling like I’m not accessing my full potential is irritating. I’ve been a broken record of whining about tendencies and self-sabatoge for nearly 13 years now. And I’m tired of it. STILL!

But I don’t have to wait here to see if I’m still suffering and grouchy about being in the same shoes for the next 10 plus years, do I? No. I can choose something else.
(At this point, I’d almost choose ANY thing else.)
But it isn’t as easy as just choosing something different and being new over night.

Or is it?

I want to tackle this and “cocoon up” so I can look forward to having the butterfly part of my life that much sooner.

crysolis to butterflyIt’s time. I seriously refuse to waste another year or month spinning wheels mucking‘ around in this much self confusion and frustration.  I am just sure I could put my energy into something way more worth while.

Lord help me, I’m going to MOVE FORWARD.  A BIG step.  Maybe it will be 5 baby steps put together.  But it will be bigger.  noticable.  Good.  Good changes.  Better choices for me.

And just so I don’t get anyone all sidetracked saying how I HAVE been changing over the years and how I’ve HAVE grown so much. I agree I’ve changed and grown.  Some.  But I am still sitting in a messy house with a cloudy brain feeling overwhelmed by simple day-to-day tasks. So, enough head-work. This isn’t how I want to live. This is a new day and I want to grab hold like I’ve just been diagnosed with something. Something life changing. NO– perspective changing. I want to honor people whose lives were cut short by actually LIVING mine. In the best way possible.

And my small choices everyday are NOT adding up to that. Yet.

Watch if you like. Join me if you like. But I am going on the transformation ride of my life time. And I’m not giving up until I can only say these feelings of falling short and missing the mark are memories more than daily companions.

Here is my plan so far:
1) List my priorities in life. Get them all down and put them in order of importance.
2) Document what I do in a typical day.
3) Take a good, real look at how often throughout the day I am putting time into something other than my top priorities.
4) Reorganize my daily routines to best redirect my time toward that which has me focused on my priorities instead of distracting me from them.



Set . . .


Really.  Let’s do this.  Anyone with me?


Writing Again

It has been years since I really worked at writing.  After years being blessed with freelance work for our local Catholic newspaper, I had to step away when our 4th child was on her way.  Now, with her youngest sibling nearing her 3rd birthday, writing seems to be coming back into focus.  Although I truly was in love with my writing assignments for our local paper in the past, I have felt a tug to write something of my own.  But the “right” subject or topic never seemed to be presenting itself.  So I would dutifully jot down the writing ideas that came to me without any inspiring projects jumping to the foreground.  I would come back to the same logic every time:  until something is nagging at me to write about it, I should (like every great writer) just keep reading.  Perhaps that was my largest writing hurdle over the last 9 years.  Finding time to read (and stay awake) was challenging in my sleep deprived mommy years.  So this last year of getting back to reading has been the greatest gift I could give to my own writing.  In reading, I uncovered a passion for the story of human life.  The journey humans take to is absolutely fascinating to me.  Each one being just as compelling, tragic, inspiring as the last, I find I devour memoirs and biographies from all directions of life.  So it hit me one day, that the greatest story (right now) that I have to tell, is my own.  I use the stories of my life all the time, with friends, other moms, my children, as examples of things I’ve figured out or struggled with on my journey.  So, recently I began my new project.  One that has already been developed, and has only to be documented and streamlined.  Whether anyone else will ever read it, is not something I will concern myself with now.  At least I have begun!  And it feels like the right writing project for me.  Finally.